Wednesday, April 8th, 2020
So I’ve done a pretty bad job of writing about our
quarantine! I want to, I really do. But I think it also overwhelms me to think
about. My mind is on overload, and I’m
never really sure where to begin or what to say, so I guess I just type
nothing. I’m not sure if I should type
details or thoughts or world events, what sort of genre am I going for. Heartfelt or facts? Bullet points or long, wayward
paragraphs? But I need to just start, so
here goes.
We’re making it, I suppose.
Obviously, I mean we don’t have a choice, right?! Hehe.
We’re in week four of being home.
Three full weeks of homeschooling, DLD, crisis schooling, whatever you
want to call it. This week is spring
break. And honestly, I like it so much
better. I suppose the routine of school
is good, and esp so for Ryan and perhaps even Abby. School is harder on Chloe, and thus on me
too. I don’t really want to go down that
tangent right now, but I am really happy to not have a schedule and to-do lists
and lots of calls and assignments. We’ve
enjoyed less structure and sleeping in and I’ve been doing a morning video
devotional with Revolution Church. We’ve
done a TON of bike riding. And more
Xbox/ Fort Nite then I’d care to admit.
The only perk of the video games is that the kids talk to each other and
have facetime phones going, so they are still keeping in touch. A lot of times the games are with his
Bennington friends [Kaden, Will, Ryan, Sawyer, Cooper], but I do LOVE the
occasional game with his bestest school buddy Tripp. He’s a super sweet kid that obviously we
haven’t seen in almost a month. We’re
pretty much self-quarantined at this point.
Nobody’s been inside our house since I don’t even know when. The last day of school was Friday March 13th
[remember when the memes were going around about the time change, a full moon,
and Friday the 13th?! Ha,
that pales in comparison to how that week actually went down]. But anyways, I know by Thursday the 12th
I was worried about a cough that Chloe had, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it
was the weekend before that we last had anyone in our house. And in the past two weeks or so, basketball,
playing in yards, anything with “contact” has been cut out. Our kids ride bikes with their friends and we
say hi when we’re all outside and we’ll talk across the street, but that’s
about it. For a long time, the silver
lining for me was how much everyone is outside.
I love seeing kids playing and so so many bike riders and dog walkers
and people working in their yards. But I
don’t know. It’s also hard knowing we
can’t actually be with them. Chloe and
Mari had a great afternoon playing together a few days back – chalk and water
guns and all sorts of fun. But it really
goes against the quarantine, so probably won’t have many more days like
that. Mari has become an awesome bike
rider, she finally made up her mind to ditch her training wheels. She joins us on our bike rides a lot. I love how much she and Chloe try to be
together.
I’ve been trying to compile things for an eventual
scrapbook/ Shutterfly project. I’ve
mostly got funny, stupid memes. They
help me get through I guess.
Distraction, comedy, you know.
But honestly what I’m trying the most to focus on is treating this time
as a sabbath. I’m not sure what to think
or what to believe about what’s actually going on. Everything is so overwhelming and complicated
and political and extreme. Honestly, I
tend to sit back and wonder how we got here.
And I tend to side with those that think perhaps we’ve taken it too
far. I hate the thought of losing our
basic freedoms and what makes us American.
But I also have to respect our leaders and do my part and I hate the
thought of people getting sick and being alone in ICUs and not having the
medical equipment and professionals they need.
I have no idea what the answer is or what’s right or wrong. And I’m not really sure anyone does. I don’t like to live in fear, it’s not my
natural reaction, and I’m honestly not even scared of the virus. But I feel like I can’t say that out loud,
because everyone else is afraid. So I’m
just trying to focus on my little family and how we can make the best of
this. I’ve been going out on Fridays for
Kroger and Chick-fil-a. It’s not that
I’m afraid to go out more, but I guess I just feel like it’s not
necessary. I have to do my part and
all. But I think it’s bigger then that
too. I believe that God has given us this
time [or maybe not actively given it to us, but is using it] to slow down and
reflect and refocus. Like a fast or a
sabbath. My greatest fear is missing out
on something that God wants to show me/us.
So I feel like going out more would be more along the lines of breaking
a fast then breaking the new social norms.
I’m not sure if that makes sense.
I want to be changed, I want to learn from this, I want to reprioritize
and figure out who I really am, what’s really most important to me and in my
life. What am I missing the most? What do I not want to go back to? So even though I’m not sure I believe in the
extreme measures of this quarantine, I do believe that God wants me to use this
time for good. To glorify him. To draw closer to him. To my family.
So I’m onboard with all of it, but not exactly for the reasons that
society and our government says I should be.
I haven’t had a glass of wine since Saturday night. And yes, I had to think about that. Esp now that we are on spring break, I am
completely losing track of the day and date.
This is the first year in forever that I haven’t had a page-a-day
calendar on the kitchen counter. I
barely wear my watch anymore. I put my
beloved weekly calendar away in a drawer after writing “no school – covid19”
across the top of the rest of April and May.
No school events or sports to keep up with. I have been using the alarm on my phone more
then ever. Daily reminders for school
conference calls, Ryan has Wednesday night zooms with his small group and then
RevStudents, reminders for friends and neighbors’ birthdays. Little things are big things now when there
aren’t a lot of things. My family
doesn’t really understand, but I hung up Christmas lights in the
playroom/loft. I love their warmth while
we watch the kids play Fort Nite in the evenings. I hung our American flag in the garage
window. Oh, so back to the wine
though. I was drinking way too much of
it. Yes, it showed on the scale, but
more to do with I was drinking it for the wrong reasons – although I guess
that’s why a lot of us drink anyways, isn’t it?
I felt like it was an escape and I wasn’t in control. Not that I was drunk by any means, but more
of just I need to put my faith in God instead of looking forward to my evening
glass of wine. He has given us a spirit
of self-control, not of fear. So I need
to trust Him more, not drink more.
Although I still do eat way too many cookies.
It’s almost lunch time.
The kids have played more xbox then normal today. Honestly today has been harder than
most. I have had no motivation
today. But I was super productive and
happy the last two days, it’s a balancing act these days, I can’t imagine I’m
the only one who feels bi-polar given the current world we live in. I miss things today. I miss that Chloe and Mari were becoming
really good friends, and we’ve had to remind ourselves to step back and
socially distance. I miss watching Abby
play soccer and Ryan play basketball.
The last pictures on my phone before quarantine pictures were from the
Atlanta United game on March 7th.
The home opener, a win! In so
many ways that feels like a million years ago.
I remember that we told the kids [both there and on the cruise] to
pretend the stair railings had the flu and try not to touch too much, but
honestly I wasn’t anymore worried then any other outing. I miss seeing people and I’d love to have
another lunch with Brooke at Your Pie. I
miss going places. I just want to get in
the car and drive. Like really
drive. Pack up the family, and probably
even Maya, and head west. The places I
keep going back to in my head are Zion National Park, Garden of the Gods, Santa
Fe and green chili and playing in the arroyos of El Dorado. Sitting on that adobe wall in our rental
house on Azul. Just being away from it
all in the middle of the big huge space.
Ironic that in the midst of social isolating, some of the things I miss
the most are being away from it all.
Going off the grid, taking a big deep breath, forgetting about the
problems of the world. Coleson misses
the beach and is hoping for a trip to Kiawah Island. I sure could go for a lunch at Pompano
Joe’s. And pizza. Oh I am craving a pizza. A real pizza, not the frozen ones. I go back and forth between our pizza place –
which I like because it’s ours – and a big fat deep dish pizza. Our pizza place is thin crust, but it’s so
good and comforting and has great coke and yummy Greek salad. Definitely miss the familiarity and comfort
of being there, but I think deep dish is what I’m really craving
food-wise. I think I want to get out
more, do more. Explore more, try more
things. Hattie B’s Nashville hot. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind to
drive to Atlanta just for lunch, but at this point, I’m thinking planning a day
around something as epic as hot chicken sounds like a great adventure.
I am guilty of being comfortable. I know this.
I’ve said it a million times. I
have to figure out how to shake that up.
How to live more, how to get out of the rut [once there’s a rut to get
back into]. So many times in life I feel
like I am treading water, barely keeping afloat, and missing out. There’s so much world out there. So much more to this life. I’ve always known it and I feel it now. I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I know it starts with being less anxious,
giving up control. I’m not a worrier,
but I also don’t always know how to let go and enjoy. Life tends to overwhelm me, I get frantic and
panicky a lot. And I don’t want to live
like that. I don’t want to feel guilty
about typing for the last hour instead of doing breakfast dishes or emptying
the dryer. Guilty perhaps is an accurate
word. I think I feel bad when I slow
down. There’s always something to do,
something I need to do. And it’s
probably made harder by the fact that I’m a stay at home mom who’s kids are all
in school now. I feel guilty. Coleson works so hard. So I feel guilty if I slow down or take time
for myself. Even today, just doing the
crossword puzzle and typing this. I’m
not productive and I’m starting to feel like I need to finish this up, so I can
move on to something more “important.”
How to slow down and enjoy life without feeling bad or guilty about
it?! Perhaps I’m typing my way through a
self-help therapy session. Not sure this
is the direction I thought I’d go, or meant to go, when I started typing. Not sure this is content for a Shutterfly
time capsule book to display on our bookshelves for the world [or at least
family and friends and visitors] to see and read. Alright, so lunch time it is. Kids are appearing in the kitchen and
claiming they’re starving. And honestly
I’m pretty hungry too. Perhaps next time
I’ll write something suitable for a memory book, but this was good writing too
:) Peace out for now!
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